Moving Past Confusion
I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t in love with babies. As a small girl I couldn’t understand why you would dress up a Barbie doll and imagine a life as her when you could pretend to be a mother and take care of all these cute little baby dolls instead. I had cribs, carriages, bottles, toys, and books for my pretend children.
Now fast forward to when I was in high school. I enrolled in an alternative program where we as students agreed upon our curriculum, we wrote on the desks, shared in circle, and learned to be curious, conscious community members rather than be only a student. During my time in the A-School, we were given 4 hours every Thursday to volunteer.
I took this a step further and volunteered in the afternoons and evenings at Blythedale Children’s Hospital due to my love of children and unconsciously due to the love of my unborn sister.
Now, volunteering at a hospital is a huge deal for me. The reason being, I am really afraid of hospitals. It makes sense, right? I have always associated hospitals with my mother being sick. I recall being a little girl, waiting for hours in the hospital after her first open-heart surgery. Later in life, my father was in the hospital for meningitis and skin cancer, among other things, so I have this immense fear of being in a hospital because it means that a loved one was sick and in pain.
Even then I was a rebel with a cause, a cosmic warrior priestess. A part of my essence was encoded with the desire to move through hesitation, fear, and the unknown. I couldn’t meet fear face on when I thought I was going to get in trouble by loved ones, but I could meet fear face on when I was given a choice of paralysis or living life.
Every single time I walked in that door, I could feel fear trying to consume me. Then I would see the radiant faces of a little divine beings who, even though in the midst of pain, were all of these different things, expressing such joy. They would light up when they saw me because they knew they were so loved.
It made me realize that my life was totally good. If these precious little beings facing the most difficult time of their young lives could also find joy in life, then I could as well.
I volunteered at the hospital for three years and it was the joy of my life. I was a teacher’s assistant in the afternoons, and snuggled and fed babies in the evening. It was really a beautiful experience. I knew all the nurses and doctors, and all of the kids at the hospital. It felt like a family to me.
My mother said to me one day, "You will become a teacher. You would love it."
I resisted being a teacher for a very, very long time, until one day I woke up and realized it was time to be a teacher. I was done with the fashion world. I no longer wanted to do it and I wanted to be of service. So, I became a primary school and special education teacher.
Even before being a teacher, something in me always thought that, yes, I would have children.
It was an expectation. That's what you do. You grow up, you have a job, you get married, you have children.
So I thought I was going to have children.
But when I finally woke up and decided to live my own life the way that I chose to live it, and to get clear about who I am and what my desires were, I realized that children may or may not be in my future.
One thing being a teacher for five years taught me is that being a parent is work. I saw the commitment and devotion it takes. It’s the most beautiful gift and must be taken seriously.
As an entrepreneur now for a number of years, I actually had no idea whether or not I wanted to have children. I really couldn't figure it out. It was definitely not a full yes, and it definitely wasn't a full body no.
There was no way that I could really feel into what the possibilities were. So I was kind of unclear.
You may find yourself in a similar place, not knowing whether it's this answer, or that solution, or something else. Living in the void where you just truly don't know if it's a yes or a no.
A month ago, I thought I was pregnant at the age of 39. This is the first time that question ever arose.
Can you believe it? I'm 39 years old and I've never had a question about whether or not I was pregnant. Never had to take a pregnancy test, none of that.
I went through all of these different emotions that many of you sisters may have gone through before. Which is "Oh, crap" or "Oh, maybe" or "Oh, yes."
It was so interesting to be in this place of true unknown, in the void.
We spoke about being in the void a couple of months ago, and what that feels like within your business.
Now I truly could feel that when it came into my life - being in the void of the unknown.
It was fascinating to witness my body help me learn my lessons.
I was having all of the symptoms of pregnancy, and yet, when I took the test, it said I wasn't pregnant.
My intuition was getting confused as well.
I started to connect with myself, really taking time for self care, and only reaching out to a very select few sisters to share what I was experiencing.
Without asking them what I should do or not do, but really just having them hold the space, many of them sharing that they see visions of me having children and asking why I fight it.
When I realized that afterwards my bleed was four days late my body had a visceral reaction of going through mourning.
Even though it meant my entire business would change, even though it meant all of these different places that are unknown were a question that I would have to answer, I could feel my body having an emotional experience.
Who knows if I will have a child in the future? But what I know is my body had desired it and my heart has actually made room for it.
Now I know the answer. Doesn't mean it fixes everything, but now I have an answer.
So my invitation to you is this...
If you are in a place of deep questioning of something that feels really big, and you just don't know what to do, then take a minute for this gentle practice.
Get really quiet and invite your body, who knows, to give you a visceral experience. Fully move through the emotions that arise from that, without defining what the answer is.
After you move through all the different emotions, reflect back with yourself.
Share with your sisters without them providing any reflections, and then notice what happens. Mourn whatever it is that you feel you have lost or that you have gained. Allow that to help you make your decisions going forward. Your body knows and your body is here to tell you all.
Allow yourself to move through that.
Please let me know how it is going with you and if you have a big question, I encourage you to post in our Stay Sacred online community so we may hold the space for that question.